I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
