just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
