I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
