I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
