somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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