How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
