I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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