I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
