Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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