I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
