I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
