The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
