just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
