Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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