tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
