I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
