We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
