thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
