Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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