Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
