ya dads aren't the best wingmen
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
