There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
