My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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