I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
