i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
