i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
