My nipple is on Facebook.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Randomize
