Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
My Sexting was not on an AP level
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
