Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
