Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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