it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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