Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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