i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
