You kept calling me your small dog last night.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
