I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
im six kinds of drunk right now
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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