It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
