you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize