i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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