We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
two words: eviction party
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
