Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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