You can't motorboat a personality
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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