The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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