life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize