i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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