At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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