i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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