dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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