Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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