And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
