I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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