i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
