cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
