I never want to see another naked old woman again.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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