Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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