On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
