so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
