Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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