Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
